Potty Training is like...

So perhaps in the future I will designate a post all about how to potty train. Currently I don't feel as if I have the knowledge or experience to write such a post. Instead let us relish in the hilarity that is potty training. So as adults the idea of going to the restroom seems pretty natural.. easy even. Let me tell you, the process of teaching this "natural" action is quite ridiculous. Hands down I can say that this has been the hardest parenting struggle thus far. I don't mean to say that natural childbirth, sleepless nights, teething, and tantrums aren't hard.. they are, but potty training can destroy your soul! Haha, not really, but I tell you that I prayed to Jesus up above to get me through the first week of it all.

Lucy is a smart cookie. She's smart enough to play me like a fiddle. I knew before embarking on this potty journey that Lucy wouldn't be like all the other toddlers we know. Let's just say Lucy's main priorities do not involve pleasing me. She's a wild card and has always done things her way and in her own time. Don't bother pushing her, she will rebel. So I knew that I had to approach this strategically and never let her see me sweat.

I'm able to write this post now because we've seen an entire day accident free. A week ago I would have called you crazy thinking she'd catch on so quick. The first day was absolutely looney-toons.

Anyway, I digress.. here is a small snippet of what potty training is like:

A stack of super adorable princess panties.. destroyed within minutes.
A toddler's look of sheer panic as your carpet becomes utterly soaked.
Your hip and leg being used as the potty.. time and time again. So wet. So disgusting.
Her telling the dog she has to go pee pee.. but not you.
A flushed pacifier down the toilet.. and a toddler's mental breakdown shortly thereafter.
Lots of bribing. Lots of M&Ms.
The phrase "I go poo poo ON Mama.." enough said.
Adult reasoning with a two year old.. you can never ever win.
Tippy toed squatty potty dancing and when you ask she screams "NO MAMA!" "ENOUGH!"
Convincing yourself that she will definitely be going to college in Pampers.
Offering privacy, then her demands when you don't return with the "privacy" (whatever the heck she thinks it was supposed to be)
The mound of fitted sheets waiting to be washed. Her demanding the horsey sheets when those are most certainly not making it on the bed tonight.
A parents desire to scream masked with a smile and "It's OK! We will get all of our pee in the potty next time, right?" Cue punch wall, throw closest child's toy.. Again, never let em' see you sweat.
Every grunt.. every noise.. every push.. you are on edge, waiting for it.
Her exclamation "See Mama! See!" when not a drop came out of her.
Her desire to examine what has in fact landed in the potty. I'm talking hands in examine. Just. Gross.
A parent's tears of joy when they finally make it ALL THE WAY in. M&Ms for EVERYONE! Make it rain M&Ms!
And your thanks to Jesus in the high heavens that your potty prayers have been answered.
The realization of how manipulative your 2 year old actually is.. i.e. getting out of timeout.. bedtime.. naptime.. dinnertime.. and ANY other time.. by muttering the words "I go pee pee NOW!"
Think of the worst cabin fever of all time. You can't go to the park if you can't poop in the toilet.. period. How is that such a hard concept!?
Grocery shopping, getting gas, play-dates, a Target run.. completely off the table and yes you will miss these incredibly during those dark days of potty training.
Imagine this: completely missing the toilet seat with a number 2 potty trip.
Your inner dialogue saying "no don't sit there! Get off my bed! Oh Gosh not on the dog.."
2 am wake up calls and a Dad ultimately having to change his pajamas after being nailed with her accident.
The potty training manual can suck it.. we are wayyy over in left field.
Thinking they should be required to clean up every accident.. if it didn't take them so dang long.. not to mention super inneficient. Totally fine, she can watch Minnie Mouse I love cleaning pee off the floor for the 16th time today.. no big.
Being in the thick of it but knowing that you are sure as sh** not stopping now.. (pun intended) there is no going back.
Patting their hiney hoping there isn't a load in those teeny tiny Minnie panties.
Playing the Daniel Tiger potty training episode 109,249,340 times.. and the tune "If you have to go potty, STOP, and go right away." looping in your head.
Wondering if she will forever expect M&Ms when she goes to the bathroom, sounds like a hassle.
Eating three times the M&Ms your toddler gets because you definitely deserve it.
Making up multiple songs about bodily functions.. I used to be cool.. right?
Feeling like the floor of the bathroom is the new hip hangout spot.
Having your husband tell his boss "Be right back Sir, I have to go 'pee pee'."
Having your toddler high five you the parent after you return from the bathroom "YAY MAMA GO POTTY!"
Beaming with pride when the day comes and they have ZERO accidents. I always knew she could do it.. potty training was no big.. jeez why is everyone so scared of it ;-)

I could probably go on for days.. but now that we've rounded this corner and made it out of the house I can look back and laugh! I've learned so much this past week and phew.. I'm happy to have taken the potty training plunge. Can we give a huge thanks to all the parents out there for teaching us this valuable part of life.. because believe me, it is not for the faint of heart.

To all the mama's keeping booties dry, or at least trying.. this post is for you.

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